- Deuce Bags
- Gary Splendid
Dropping soon
Gary Splendid, the Deuce Bags pitchman
Spokesperson. Has never owned a dog. Has never once lowered his voice. Here’s his infomercial, all 59 seconds of it.
Who is Gary Splendid?
Gary Splendid is the spokesperson for Deuce Bags. He wears a red sport coat. He points directly at you. He has never owned a dog, and he would like everyone to stop bringing that up.
Gary comes from the golden age of late-night TV, when every problem was filmed in black and white and every solution arrived in full color with a studio audience. He believes in Deuce Bags with his whole chest. He also believes the waitlist is free, because it is.
To be clear, Gary is a made-up character. The bags are real and in development. The volume is all Gary.
Full transcript
Gary Splendid: Hi! Gary Splendid here for Deuce Bags!
Gary Splendid: Are you tired of poop bags that just… won’t… open?!
Gary Splendid: Are you tired of bags that rip at the worst possible moment?!
Gary Splendid: Are you tired of rolls that run away like they’ve got somewhere better to be?
Gary Splendid: Are you tired of bags so boring… even your dog is embarrassed?!
Man in the rain: There’s GOT to be a better way!!
Gary Splendid: There is! Introducing… Deuce Bags!
Gary Splendid: Powered by the dog you love! Activated by the walk you were taking anyway!
Gary Splendid: To show you the power of Deuce Bags… I put a bowling ball in one!
Gary Splendid: Other bags? The same sad bag. Forever. Deuce Bags? A brand new print… every… single… month!
Gary Splendid: Don’t take my word for it!
Biscuit the pug: Finally… some dignity.
Buttercup the golden retriever: I cried.
Gary Splendid: Now how much would you pay? Fifty bucks? A hundred?! Don’t answer that! The waitlist is free!
Gary Splendid: But wait, there’s more! Share your link, and we’ll move you up the line!
Gary Splendid: Don’t call… type! Hey deuce bag dot com! Deuce Bags… launching soon!
A word from legal
Dramatization. Results not typical. Dignity not guaranteed. Bowling ball not included. Do not put a bowling ball in your poop bag. Testimonials paid in treats. If you want the real strength test, it’s a luggage scale, and it’s planned for before launch.